Hey there, Sassy & Sensational moms!
We know that having your adult children still living at home can be a unique and rewarding experience. But it also comes with its own set of challenges, one of which is finding the right balance between open communication and respecting their privacy. Today, we're diving into the art of maintaining a harmonious household while ensuring everyone's voices are heard and their personal space is respected.
1. Create a Safe Space for Conversations
First things first, let's create an environment where open communication can flourish. Make it clear that your home is a safe space where your adult children can express themselves without fear of judgment or criticism. Encourage them to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and let them know that their opinions matter.
You likely have been doing this since they were literally children, but when they become adults, it can be a little harder. They want their privacy and independence, but they also want to know you’re there for them. This safe space for open communication lets them know they can share what they like without judgment from you while also not being forced to share anything they’re not yet ready to tell you.
2. Set Aside Regular Family Time
In our busy lives, finding time to connect can be a challenge. Designate regular family meetings or dinners where everyone can come together to catch up and discuss any pressing issues. Keep it casual and enjoyable, so your adult children don't feel like they're in a boardroom.
This is especially helpful when everyone has crazy schedules. For example, if your adult child is coming home from a late-night job and waking you up, letting them know and asking them to keep it down a little over dinner will likely be a better conversation than you snapping it at them in the middle of the night or trying to tell them by text because you don’t see each other often.
3. Use Active Listening
When your adult children open up, practice active listening. Give them your full attention, maintain eye contact, and show empathy. This not only helps them feel heard but also strengthens the emotional bond between you.
4. Respect Their Boundaries
While open communication is essential, so is respecting their boundaries. If your adult child prefers some alone time, respect their need for privacy. Ensure that their personal space is inviolable, and knock before entering their room.
Obviously, if you suspect something illegal or truly harmful, you shouldn’t ignore it. But if you just feel the urge to get nosy, sense something is bothering them, or something similar, know where the line is and don’t cross it.
5. Encourage Them to Set Their Own Boundaries
Empower your adult children to establish their boundaries within the household. Ask them what they're comfortable with, whether it's regarding their personal space, quiet time, or shared responsibilities. This collaborative approach ensures everyone's needs are considered.
Everyone knows it’s your house, Mom. If you have certain rules that you are unwilling to give on, say so. But remember that your adult kid is an adult now. If you are too rigid, they may move out even if that means couch surfing or even being homeless. Make sure there’s some elasticity in the house so they can feel they’re being treated like the adults they are.
6. Foster Trust
Trust is the foundation of open communication. Show your adult children that you trust their decisions and respect their independence. This trust goes a long way in encouraging them to confide in you.
One way we do this is with what I call “Time Threshold.” As adults, our kids no longer need or have a curfew, but we still want to know they’re safe, right? So we use the Time Threshold. This is a simple courtesy that everyone in the house gives everyone else. When someone goes out, they let others know approximately when they’ll be home. If they change their mind and will be later or won’t be home at all, they send a quick text to let someone know.
This fosters trust by ensuring that everyone knows when others will be home, but also the flexibility to change plans easily. We also use this to foster trust by not demanding more information. Everyone is free to make their decisions without judgment. But no one has to worry about whether someone should be home by now or whether they might be injured. And because everyone in the house (including me, the parent!) does it, no one feels like it’s being treated like a kid.
7. Keep Family Secrets, Well, Secret
Trust goes both ways. If your adult child confides in you, keep their secrets. Avoid sharing their personal matters with other family members (including their siblings) or friends without their permission. Respecting their confidentiality builds trust and ensures they continue to open up to you.
If you are married, or if you and your ex are still on good terms, you may need to discuss with your adult child whether it’s okay to tell your partner or ex-partner what they’ve shared with you. While you may feel it would be deceptive not to share, your adult child may have wanted to confide in you and only you. If they don’t want their other parent (or a step-parent) to know what they’ve shared, it’s best to respect that if you want them to continue sharing with you.
8. Be Patient and Understanding
Sometimes, your adult child might need time to gather their thoughts or express their feelings. Be patient and give them the space they need. Understand that they might not be ready to talk about certain things immediately.
Whether it’s a breakup, argument with a friend, or something else, your adult child may not come to you to pour their heart out the same way they did as a kid. They may need to process things alone, prefer to talk to friends first, or simply not feel ready to face the questions you may have.
9. Address Conflicts with Calmness
Conflicts are inevitable in any household, but how you handle them matters. When disagreements arise, approach them with a calm and collected demeanor. Avoid shouting or blaming. Instead, listen to their perspective and work together to find a resolution.
If you have multiple adult children living at home, this also applies to arguments between siblings. Encourage them to treat each other the way they would treat a friend or co-worker that they disagree with. It’s also a good idea to try to stay out of arguments between siblings when you can. They’ll have a stronger relationship in the future if they can learn to work things out without your assistance now.
10. Lead by Example
Lastly, as the mom of the house, lead by example. Show your adult children what open communication looks like by sharing your thoughts and feelings with them. Your vulnerability can inspire them to do the same.
This can be difficult, I know. Especially since you’ve likely spent most of their lives attempting to protect and shelter them from some of your thoughts and feelings. But now that they’re adults living in your home, it’s important that you remind them with these actions that you are more than just their mom. You’re a human, with thoughts and feelings that need to be respected and cared about, just like your adult kids.
Remember, every family is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The key is to find a balance that suits your family's dynamics. By fostering open communication while respecting everyone's privacy, you're creating a loving and harmonious home where every voice is valued.
So here's to Sassy & Sensational moms who juggle the delicate dance of open communication and privacy with grace and style. Cheers to nurturing strong family bonds while giving your adult children the space they need to grow and thrive.
Until next time,
Wendy 🌟