The Empty Nest Spectrum: Where Are You?
From blubbering mess to excited for the freedom, there's a spectrum of emotions
As a member of a few empty nester groups online and off, I see moms (and some dads, too!) who have just become empty nesters and ones who have been empty nesters for years. Some are looking for guidance while others are offering it.
Some have it all together; they’re engaging in new hobbies and having a great time reconnecting with spouses or getting out in the world and dating or making new friends. Others are puddles of tears, caught up in agony because their children have moved out and they don’t hear from or see them as often.
Some even slide along the spectrum from the crying end to the have it all together end and all the spots in between.
Something else I sometimes see is judgment. Not from others, because most of us tend to understand that we all feel differently about this transition. But I see some new empty nesters judging themselves, whether it’s for crying or for being excited.
So here’s the message I have for you today: whatever it is you feel, it’s okay. If you’re a crying mess on the floor and feel like you will never get it together, that’s okay. If you’re thrilled your kids have flown and are eagerly making that bucket list of things you want to try, that’s also okay. And if you go back and forth, that’s okay, too.
All the feelings you have are okay. In fact, you can even be angry at your kids for moving out! Your feelings are valid, and neither you nor anyone else should ever say they’re not. Sadness, anger, hurt, confusion, doubt, worry, numbness - all the feelings that anyone can think of that you might feel around becoming an empty nester are okay.
But…
Yep, there’s a but.
There’s a catch.
You can feel however you feel. All the feels are normal, natural, and valid. And if they’re “good” feelings, like being happy or excited for your kids and your own newfound freedom, feel free to share them with your kids.
But if the feelings you’re caught up in are “bad” ones like sadness, anger, or hurt, you gotta watch when and how you share that information with the kids. You can tell them you miss them occasionally. It’s okay to sometimes acknowledge that you worry about them.
But you can’t try to make them feel guilty for doing what you raised them to do - grow up, move out, and build their own life - for doing the same thing YOU did once. You can’t blame them, or shame them, or lay a bunch of unrealistic expectations on them.
Don’t cry on their shoulder, even if they offer it. Don’t tell them how lonely and miserable you are, even if they ask. Again, a “Yes, honey, I do miss having you at home. It’s definitely an adjustment without you here,” is fine. But “I cry myself to sleep every night and grocery shopping for one feels so weird now,” is more than they need to hear.
So…
What do you do, then? What do you do with those “bad” feelings if you can’t share them with the kids? You’re not supposed to keep them all pent up, right?
You absolutely shouldn’t keep them all pent up.
But instead of putting them on your kids, and tainting your kid’s experience with becoming a new adult and trying to find themselves and build a life, you share them with others who can understand.
You join groups, online or off, for empty nest parents. You come to the comments section of this newsletter and share with us. You go to a rage room and explode some of that rage. You cry in bed or the shower and let the sadness go. And if you really feel like you’re struggling and your feelings aren’t normal or okay, you talk to a therapist who can help you get to the root of things and be able to move forward.
Wherever you are on the spectrum of empty nester feelings, I promise it’s okay. You’re okay. You and your kids will adjust to this new relationship, this new lifestyle, and this new relationship will blossom into something even more beautiful.
And what’s really amazing? Eventually, you will start finding yourself again, enjoying hobbies and interests both new and old - and your kids just might start to think you’re pretty cool. And they might join you in some of those interests, too - which, again, will help that relationship bloom into something amazing.
Until next time,
Wendy