The holidays…
A time when the empty nest often fills up again, with kids coming home from college, families going home to spend the holidays with extended family, and tons of holiday parties to attend.
When your kids are coming home again, it’s tempting to go all out trying to make their time with you as special and memorable as possible. The problem is as parents, we can go too far and experience holiday burnout because we’re trying too hard.
Then there’s the other side of that coin…
When the kids aren’t coming home and so we try to fill our schedule and forget the loneliness and sadness we feel because they aren’t coming home. So we agree to go to every party, every cookie exchange, every potluck, and throw 14 of our own just to make sure we’re solidly booked up and have no time alone to think about how we’re missing our kids.
With either of those, the end result can still be the same: holiday burnout and exhaustion.
So here’s my proposal to you this year, and every year going forward: What can you say NO to?
You might try to say “nothing” at first. You think you really need to do all the things you’ve planned.
You really need to:
clean up the guest room
wrap all the presents
attend all the parties
do all the food shopping
do all the gift shopping
pick everyone up from the airport or train station
finish the project at work
decorate the interior and exterior of the house
decorate the car
put out the Elf on the Shelf for the grandkids
make ornaments for the grandkids
bake the Christmas cookies
make the “insert special family dish here” that only you know how to make
… and the list just keeps going.
Now, some of those may legitimately be things you need to do. But some of them are things that you’re doing because you think you have to, because someone else has told you you have to, or because you’re unwilling to delegate them to someone else.
And pushing yourself to do everything and then some is just going to exhaust you and make the holidays a memory that isn’t as wonderful as you’d like it to be. Your memories will be of putting sheets on beds, sweating in the kitchen over a meal, and wrapping presents that you didn’t see anyone open because you were sweating in the kitchen over that meal.
Or you might end up exhausted because you’re attending a thousand holiday parties when you’re really rather relax at home with some hot chocolate, sugar cookies, and a Christmas movie on Netflix.
However it happens, holiday burnout is real and it sucks. It turns the holidays into something you dread, makes the memories less beautiful, and does serious damage to your mental and physical health.
So this year, I am encouraging you to choose to say no. You don’t have to say no to everything. You can choose just one thing to say no to. But say no to at least that one thing.
How do you know what to say no to? Here are a few of the ways I decide what to say no to:
If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no: This one is courtesy of my own coach. If something doesn’t feel like a full body hell yes, then it’s a hell no. If you’re not immediately super excited and enthusiastic about doing something, say no to it. When your immediate reaction is not eagerness, there’s a good chance it’s because you really don’t want to do it anyway, so say no and don’t even think about it.
Set limits on how many things you’ll do: This might mean you limit yourself to just three holiday parties. Or it might be that you decide to do just five holiday-related things (like decorating, shopping, baking, cooking, etc.). Choose a number and a category and then use that to decide what you’ll do. If you know that you’re only going to attend three holiday parties, you’ll be a lot pickier about which ones they are. If you know you can only do five holiday-related things, you’ll choose your favorites over all others. And remember - these numbers are just examples. Choose your own, but make sure you keep it manageable.
Consider if it aligns with your holiday priorities: Maybe you just want a small family Christmas with the kids and their families. If that’s the case, then saying yes to a bunch of holiday parties that will take you away from the kids and their families doesn’t make much sense, does it? Decide what your holiday priorities are and then ask yourself if the thing in question aligns with them. If it doesn’t, it’s a no.
Think about your personal boundaries: The holidays are a time when a lot of people who aren’t really into attending parties and potlucks feel pressured to do so. There are so many of them, and so many people express such deep disappointment if you say you won’t go, it’s easy to say yes because you feel guilty. But remember that you’re not required to go anywhere or do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If you’re not a party person, you do no have to feel any worse about saying no at Christmas than you would if you said no to a random June barbecue. (And if you’d feel guilty about the barbecue too, then maybe we should talk about your boundaries!)
Listen, the holidays are festive, busy, and fun. But they’re only the third one if we don’t overdo it. So be realistic. Don’t try to make this the most over-the-top holiday season ever for your kids coming home. Know that they’re coming home to see and spend time with YOU, so make sure YOU are around.
And if you’re not going to see the kids this particular holiday season, as tempting as it is to try to be so busy that you can’t think about the kids, don’t do it. Instead, sit with the conflicting feelings of a festive and fun holiday season and feeling sad and a little lonely that the kids won’t be with you. The more you’re able to sit with those less-pleasant feelings, the sooner they will work their way through you and out so you can start to feel better.
And if this entire holiday season is just a bummer for you because the kids won’t be home? That’s okay too. You don’t have to put on a smile that you don’t feel and you don’t have to go around to every party and cookie exchange in town trying to prove that you’re okay. It’s fine to be lonely and sad. It’s fine to acknowledge that this year isn’t a great one for you.
Until next time,
Wendy
P.S. Head over to the Sassy & Sensational chat and share what you’re saying no to this holiday season!